Direct or Defensive? Making Direct Communication Work in the Workplace
You’ve been given the feedback that you’re very direct and you’re not sure whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing. You probably are inclined to interpret it as good. It cuts through the noise and gets people the answers they need quickly, saving everyone time, particularly when things are going wrong.
At the same time, you’re not quite sure that’s what the person meant. And there have been moments in meetings where the room has gone silent at your directness, rather than appreciative. Maybe the word “defensiveness” has even been used.
In this post, we’re going to talk about when directness is a boon for your career and the situations in which it’s working against you. Somewhat surprisingly, your greatest weakness is often your greatest strength being a little too overplayed. So let’s focus on using directness as a strength.
Directness Isn’t a Simple Communication Choice
Part of the fun of working with human beings is that we all communicate differently. To some people, the “hi, how was your weekend?” followed by an in depth discussion of the social activities and the weather is a necessary part of conversation before they’ll even begin to consider asking the work question they came here for in the first place. For those people, asking for something they want without warming up the conversation feels like a social faux pas, something they would never dare to do if they want to get a productive answer.
For others, even the “hi” is too much fluff in the conversation. The dance of “Hi”, “Hi”, “How are you?” “Good thanks, how are you?” feels like a frustrating waste of time when the real question is as simple as: “Did the build complete last night?”.
As a Brit, the talking about the weather reflex is drilled in. But I personally like the: “ask the question I want first then follow up with the niceties” approach.
The problem occurs when these two groups overlap. The direct communicators get frustrated by the inefficiencies of the social game. The ones who love the surrounding conversation feel rejected or like the person is being rude. You can see how this mismatch in communication styles can quickly spiral into a problem a lot bigger than it actually is.
This mismatch in communication style isn’t a rare occurrence either. In every team, in every company, there will be people from both sides of the equation, as well as people who fall somewhere in the middle. Most interactions will go well, despite minor frustration from one or both parties. But with these conversations happening daily, the major frustrations are a real occupational hazard, one that I’ll be talking about a lot in this series of blog posts on directness.
As someone who coaches neurodivergent leaders, my clients are more likely to fall into the latter category. In particular, autistic leaders tend to be known for their directness. This really isn’t a choice, it’s how autistic brains process and deliver information. The advice of “just soften it” doesn’t work because it asks someone to fundamentally rewire how their brain communicates.
I often find that when these clients come to me they’ve come to view their directness as a potential character flaw, or at least are aware of its potential to be seen as defensiveness, which doesn’t come across as a compliment.
So I’m going to start by making the case for directness and its benefit in the workplace before diving into when things start to get a little overplayed, and what might be causing the defensiveness accusations.
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The Case for Directness: Being Direct is a Strength
It was one of my clients that gave me my favourite way to look at directness. By the time we finished working together, she had developed an expression, both as a reminder to herself but also as a pushback when her directness was criticised:
“I’m direct, but I’m not unkind.”
This has stuck with me over a year after we finished working together because I think it says so much about what directness is. Directness and defensiveness are not the same thing. Directness and rudeness are not the same thing. There is no moral value to be laid on directness itself, yet when we’ve had accusations of the latter, we’re more likely to feel guilty about the former.
Directness as an Act of Kindness
I would even expand on my client’s saying because I strongly believe that in certain environments, directness is actually the kinder option.
We’ve all been in a situation where someone has been giving us feedback that they’re clearly uncomfortable giving. So they try to use things to soften the blow, ending up with something that sounds almost like a compliment, or is just too vague.
The result is that the feedback is basically useless. The receiver is completely confused, they can’t actually action on what they’ve been told and the problem continues as if the conversation had never happened.
Perversely, the attempt to be kind can actually have the opposite effect. If the feedback designed to highlight a department’s failing KPIs tries to mitigate that by recognising the areas in which the team are performing then the message received could be: “On balance we’re doing okay”, leading to a board crisis in six months when no concerted effort was made to pick up the lagging areas. In that case, you’ve inadvertently sabotaged them instead of giving them helpful feedback!
In this scenario, directness about the issue pivots the department head’s attention to the thing that actually matters. Note that that doesn’t mean you have to ignore what they’re doing well. Concern about them becoming disheartened can be mitigated by recognising the strengths but being clear about what their top priority should be.
The key distinction here is that there is more than one way to be kind. Being clear is another way to be kind, and in some situations, directness is the best way to give that clarity.
Both giving and receiving feedback can be difficult and how people respond varies greatly depending on the individual. However, tailoring the feedback to the individual should not come at the expense of undermining the message.
Directness as an Act of Generosity
Another benefit of directness is that it can actually be an act of generosity. The reality of today’s workplaces is that we are all time poor. There are always more tasks that need to be done, more fires that need to be fought. Often many of us are acting with low cognitive bandwidth as it is, and every request takes up more.
As a leader myself, I have had moments where I recognise that my cognitive capacity has been nearing its limit and when an employee comes to me with four different options and paragraphs explaining each one, sometimes I have to put them off. I have neither the time nor the capacity to digest all of the information and as a result the decision is delayed.
An employee who makes a quick, direct recommendation though is appreciated in this situation. It gives me information in a bite-sized chunk that I can quickly process. If I need more information, I can ask questions about the aspects I really care about and the decision is made much quicker. The generosity in this scenario is doing the synthesis work so the decision maker doesn’t have to.
Of course, this situation is much easier when there is a high level of trust between the two individuals, but even in the case of a relationship that is not as established, a direct response with the offer to share more information gives the person lacking capacity the option to choose how much information they’re willing to take on board.
Directness as an Act of Leadership
The last case I’ll make is for directness as an act of leadership. When important decisions need to be made, there’s often a lot that needs to be thought through. There are risks to consider and different stakeholders will have different priorities. It becomes important to everyone to make sure their voice is heard.
Where this becomes a challenge is, again, when too much information is being conveyed. Every individual will have their own perspective and nuances. Suddenly a conversation to make a decision has spiralled out into an in depth discussion about how a minor aspect will affect one area of the business.
In this situation, directness can be used to bring the group back and focus on the core strategic objective.
The more stakeholders involved, the more communication becomes something that needs managing strategically.
While these benefits mean that directness is a valuable leadership trait, it doesn’t mean it’s desirable in all situations. So next we’re going to look at where that strength can become overplayed instead.
The Challenge of Directness
The biggest challenge with directness is, of course, when someone feels that it is being rude or defensive. “I’m direct but not unkind” does preemptive work or reframes feedback that may be unfair, but in a situation where someone has taken offense to your directness, responding with “I’m direct but not unkind” is only going to frustrate them further.
The important thing to note here is the different levels of psychological safety. With someone you already have a good relationship with, there is a baseline of psychological safety. You have a good working relationship, so anything that is said a little abruptly is given the benefit of the doubt. Even most new workplace relationships start with enough good will that direct communication is generally not an occupational hazard.
However, in any conversation, the only part we can control is what we say and do. We’re not in control of the other person. It also means that we might not be aware of things that may be influencing the other person. Someone we normally have a good working relationship with might be under significant pressure, either in the workplace or at home, that could be affecting how they show up in that conversation.
In this situation, the person naturally has a lower level of psychological safety. As a result, a direct remark they would usually be okay with may well get interpreted differently to the way you intended it. Their interpretation might mean that they see it as rude or defensive.
There are often two ways I see direct people approach this situation. One is that they immediately chalk it up to a “them” problem and change nothing about their approach, complaining instead about how they’ve been painted.
The other is to attempt to remove all ambiguity, to be even more direct so there is no room for misinterpretation about what they’re saying. Of course this has the effect of appearing even more rude and defensive to the other person. Usually the people who take this approach end up confused as their primary response to the situation. The directness that has worked so successfully elsewhere is no longer working in this situation and they can’t understand why.
Text conversation can be an absolute minefield when psychological safety is low as what one person might think is being clear can be interpreted differently by the recipient.
The outcome of both options is the same. Psychological safety goes down for both people, the relationship deteriorates and at its worst, they are both making complaints to HR about one another and being signed off on sick leave.
Usually, when these clients come to me, they’re close to, if not already at, the point of HR involvement. It is a difficult place to be in as both parties are incredibly hurt and neither wants to give ground to the other. Neither wants to be blamed, neither wants to leave. Both of their careers are suffering.
My work with the client then becomes how to repair the relationship, not because they weren’t hurt, not because they were the one in the wrong, but because it’s the only way forward that preserves their career, reputation and their mental health. And a big part of that is using the directness intentionally and knowing when to soften it to get the strategic outcome that’s most important.
I’ll be doing a deep dive into directness over the next few weeks, including how to handle these points of relationship deterioration so sign up to my mailing list if you’re not already on there to make sure you don’t miss it. And if you see yourself reflected in this article, this is my area of expertise. I am yet to be unsuccessful at helping a client navigate these situations at any level of seniority. Get in touch to find out more about how I can help you.
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